Last Chapter

I feel nauseous.

Feels like I’ve been shot at the back, went straight to the pit of my stomach then went back out. I feel like fainting, my breath seem can’t catch up.

There seems to be a slight jolt of pain in the heart every time I exhale.

My tears are swelling but I learned a trick that when you shake your feet, your tears will dry out. Well, I admit, two or more teardrops fell.

And all of a sudden, I instantly became sleepy. I never wanted to sleep like I want to now.

I want to vomit. Not to let out the food I just so lovingly ate, but to let out all the disgust I have for myself and for what I did.

No, nothing’s wrong with me.

Im just describing what I felt when I told you to get out of my life.

Got some straightening out to do...

I've been meaning to write for a while. The thoughts have been whirling in and around my head. Many times I stare on nothing, allowing my brain to breath. And somehow, the moment I put my fingers on the keys, the thoughts are all lost.

Well, maybe not lost.

Just scared.

Scared to write what I actually feel. Scared that what I might write may confuse me all the more. Doubled are the efforts to erase what has been written. Too many crazy stuff. Too many to think about.

I haven't really made peace with the situation. But I guess I had finally made peace with myself.

I am here. Staring in amazement. Numb. Working from 5am to 5pm. Doing everything and anything to please my boss. Blogging is a luxury I can't afford at the office right now. Can't even take lunch on time.

I am on a self-imposed hiatus. Jodee left, off to find the meaning in her life. Might take a little more time to come back. I am me now. For a while.

Every night, as I lay myself to sleep, I drool over the thought of going away. In one too many times, I long to just hang out losely, freely..and with all the carnival rides around me perhaps.

I need a break.

But the thought of taking a break stresses me out all the more. People may have to use shovel to find me at my desk by then. In short, I just couldnt afford one right now. Not financially though.

So off with my vacation on my head...

It'll be a day of ice creams and chocolates. A lot of pictures, Im sure of that. I'd be having fun all day long, all day long and all day looong. When filling in my heart means losing one's voice, then I'd be glad to offer mine.

And I wonder...Is my need to take a break means I need 'me' to get away. Hmm. And so I begin to realize.

That I need to get away.

Get away from all the pain.

I can't complain about my life right now. I am far more blessed than most people my age.

It's just that it gets to be empty.

Especially when you need to bribe a friend to just keep you company for a while.

Life sucks.

But who said it ain't?

Sigh.