The End

Is it time for me to move on now?

And when can I say that this time the moving on part is final and real?

Because I have been in this cross road before.

I have had these moments before to myself. Thinking. Justifying. Reasoning. And it all boiled down to deciding to stop whatever I had with you.

Because it was the right thing to do.

Twice. Thrice. I couldn't remember anymore how many times I chose to let go.

But I never really had the courage to let go.

Because in those moments, the decision was a goner the moment you looked at me...and i knew then that I was melting away.

And here am I again.

Back to the crossroad I so long feared.

Is this really it? Are we finally letting go?

And who gets to decide who lets go first? You or me? Or both?

Is it really over?

Life really turned out to be completely different from what I thought it will be.

I know I'll get through this beautiful mess that we've created. Whatever we both will turn out to be after we get through this crossroad, I am a changed person. Not entirely different, but changed.

I could state a million and one lessons I have learned going through all of it. But I will keep my silence and face the world head on with my head up high.

There's nothing to be ashamed of for what I did.

I just loved.

Fly now

Two and a half months.

From being scared to finally letting go.

From fearing about what may be to accepting what really is.

From shying away to looking straight in the eye.

From emotional crying moments to smiling in content.

From the restaurants to another, from places to places

We were destined to meet.

To share the love. To be loved.

To hold my hand when I'm scared. To calm your anger down.

To share and enjoy the moments together.

To be there for each other. To be each other's friend.

To learn from each other. To hear each one out.

But we are destined to let go.

To fly away to know what we really want.

To go back to each other's own worlds.

To live the life that was created before we had each other.

I won't cry. I wont weep.

Life is too beautiful to dwell on what we could never have.

I'm moving on.

But I'm still hoping you'll come home.

bum..

And it seems everything’s so different now.

Less than 48 hours and I have yet to teach myself how to be numb.

Because apparently, you have moved on.

Dropped me like a hot potato.

I really don’t know how to put it in words but I knew it was coming and yet I wasn’t prepared to feel the feeling.

I guess I didn’t expect you’d get over me before I get over you.

My brain is telling me that the change between us is part of it all…and that sooner or later you’d gonna have to do that to me. And that I shouldn’t mind because I know all along that this how our story ends. And that I shouldn’t waste any feelings of despair because it won’t be worth it.

But my heart is feeling the pain.

Because no matter how continually I tell myself that I am okay, my heart is not.

My heart is sad.

Not with anger. Not with misery. Not with much drama.

Just sad.

Life is one hell of a ride. Like my Enchanted Kingdom, you get to choose the ride of your life.

I’m back to the Grand Carousel after I get to ride some wild ride…

I know I’m gonna miss you. Thinking about the stories and the moments we shared, I know I will.

But I know you will miss me too.

Coz I’m always gonna be the girl who got away.

Anger and Regret

Im not angry at you. I am angry with what you said.

It’s not because you can’t leave the only life you’ve always known. You had it all of your life and I can’t take that away from you. It’s about not admitting that you chose this new life for yourself. Stand up for it. Damn it, you owe that kind of respect to me.

It’s not about you not finding the courage to start all over again. I am not asking that from you and I have NEVER asked you to give up what you have. It’s about giving even just a little bit of value for what we now have. I am not a mere phase in your so-called life. We became what we are to each other because we made that choice. Not mine alone.

It’s not about me wanting to be a part of your life. It’s about you treating me as if I’m just a kind of thing that ‘happened’ in your life and will soon be over a moment too soon.

I am me and I exist. I can’t just come and then disappear when you want to. I am a person, I am human. I hurt and I feel the pain.

Why can’t you feel the same pain that I feel?

Silhouette..

I saw the light at my rearview mirror. 3 flicks and my eyes searched for what it was.

Singing alone and driving by myself, you passed by.

And the silhouette of your hand waving at me made me smile.

A big wide smile.

Amazing…for I only saw a shadow, not even a hint of your face, yet my heart skipped for the sight that I saw.

Oh love is a splendid feeling.

Yet, who can say that it is love? And who can say that it is not.

You waved goodbye.

And I’ve waving the love goodbye.

No harm in Having some Fun =)

Big boys don't cry too..

Maybe.

So you think I"m in love?

So you think that if I want to be with you all the time and if I long for us to be together always, I am in love with you?

So you think that if I do things with a little extra effort to make you smile, I am in love with you?

So you think that if your words and thoughts matter, I am in love with you?

So you think that if simple acts are extraordinary signs of longing and love and if plain jokes are heard with music and much laughter, I am in love?

So you think that if my kisses are sweet and my hugs full of warmth and care, I am in love?

So you think that sharing myself, lowering my defenses and letting go of the fear and pain, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I could care less anymore on what people may and will think, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I am comfortable being a mere part of you life, I am in love with you?

So you think that I am becoming the complete opposite of what you might think I am and accepting that change, I am in love with you?

So you think that because we talk and exchange opinions and begin to understand the soul that we are both made of, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I have learned now to stand up for myself and fight for whatever makes me happy, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I can say these words and do these things I am in love with you?

Are you not the same?

And are you not giving more that what is expected?

And are you not feeling exactly the same?

And are you not letting go of the fear and embracing what is there?

And are you not willing to let it go and hold nothing back?

And so you think I am the one in love?

And so you think I am the only one in love?

Think again.

Stepping on the Gas..

** Reading this article made me felt like the writer, my favorite High School English teacher Mr. Rene Lizada, was thinking of me when he wrote this in his Sunstar Article..**

IT is one of the most abused phrases that you hear today. And you hear it everywhere. In shows, in relationships, at work. We hear people say, "nag move on na ako," or "do not dwell in the past, you have to move on." There are other versions but the message is the same.

You should not get stuck, you should well, move on. That people should justforget what has happened and, well, move on. That whatever hurt we have felt, we must not dwell on it and we have to, well, move on.

That is well and good and it is important that we all move on. That we really should not be paralyzed about our past and what it brought, that we should not be stuck in it. That is good and noble and right. But only if when one is ready and when one's heart is finally true. The tragedy is that we all want to move on and yet some of us are not ready to do so. In our haste to move on, we find ourselves deeper in the situation.

Moving on can only happen when we are ready to do so. To think otherwise is foolish and unhealthy. We can only move on when the time is right. We cannot force it nor should we because the result would only be being untrue to ourselves. We move on when we can do so. When our hearts are ready then we move on otherwise we will only be fooling ourselves.

The urgency to move on is perhaps the reason we want desperately to do so. We want to get rid of the hurt and the pain. We want to forget all the suffering and the grief. We want to put aside the sorrow and seek relief. And so we say, yeah I have moved on even if we still feel the pain.

And that perhaps is the secret of moving on.

Sometimes we have to hold on to let go. We must feel the pain if we want to release it. The more we deny something, the stronger it gets. Someone once said, if you resist, it will persist.

What it is saying perhaps is simple. Do not deny the pain or the grief. It is better to accept the pain for what it is. Cry if you have to. Scream if you must. Lament if you have to. Drop to your knees. Cry. Scream. Rage. Let all that is within get out. Feel the pain and loneliness.

Experience the betrayal and the sorrow. Taste the bitterness and the disappointment. Face what must be faced otherwise we will always be in a state of denial. And when we deny, we die.

A lot of us want to be brave and so we say hey I have moved on even if we have not. A lot of want to be strong and so we claim, I have moved on even if we have not. And that is not strength or bravery but simply cowardice and fear. To be brave means to face what must be faced and to be strong means to take whatever sorrow, sorrow brings. To taste it, feel it to the very core of our existence.

All of want to be noble that is why like to say that we must do the right thing and the right thing is to forget and move on. But nobility has nothing to do with pretension. In the "shoulds" of our lives we lose ourselves sometimes.

A good example to that is forgiveness. Everyone tells us to forgive. That is the right thing to do because it liberates us. That forgiveness is not about the one who hurt but it is about the victim. We all hear that, we all know about it and we all know that forgiving is the right thing to do.

I totally agree yet forgiveness is a not an instantaneous thing, it just does not happen, It is a process that takes time. You do not forgive in an instant, you forgive slowly, perhaps even one word at a time, one event at a time. To ask forgiveness after you have totally disregarded the person's feelings is not forgiveness. It is selfishness.

You rant and rave and after you are done, you ask for forgiveness is total disrespect. It cheapens the apology because it is insincere. That is not forgiveness, it is hypocrisy. And in the same breath if you are not ready to forgive then do not.

The thing is, if in your heart you cannot forgive, then do not. Do not force yourself because you will be the only one who will suffer. If you are hurt then let it be so. If you are bleeding then bleed. Do not deny yourself of the pain because ironically it is the pain that will heal you. If you let it.

Read a poem and bleed. Sing with a brokenhearted song for your broken heart. Rage against the injustice and cry with the broken dream. Accept your feelings, taste your pain. And a time will come when all that you experienced will bear fruit. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Time heals. And when it does, you move on.