Family Time

Finally, we had a family vacation.

It was initially planned out to be out of the country but then we settled for the nearest local out of town area.

Notwithstanding the irritating planning details, it went ahead just fine.

It was great. It was fun. It was memorable. Though the place was one I was often at (and didn't create that much excitement), I was up for the bonding with the people who I share the same blood.

Same blood. Different persons. One fun.

And though I planned to work while being on the road trip, I allowed myself to completely forget about the deadlines. Damn them, it's my turn to have fun.

Not only was I great in teaching my nephew to give his dad a 'puppy look' to get what he wants, I think I did great in showing them what I would do for them. It was a shame to even think about not joining them in the first place but hey, I finally came out of my shell to leave work and be with them.

Family outings are exceptionally great. And I hope to have more.

=)

Last Chapter

I feel nauseous.

Feels like I’ve been shot at the back, went straight to the pit of my stomach then went back out. I feel like fainting, my breath seem can’t catch up.

There seems to be a slight jolt of pain in the heart every time I exhale.

My tears are swelling but I learned a trick that when you shake your feet, your tears will dry out. Well, I admit, two or more teardrops fell.

And all of a sudden, I instantly became sleepy. I never wanted to sleep like I want to now.

I want to vomit. Not to let out the food I just so lovingly ate, but to let out all the disgust I have for myself and for what I did.

No, nothing’s wrong with me.

Im just describing what I felt when I told you to get out of my life.

Got some straightening out to do...

I've been meaning to write for a while. The thoughts have been whirling in and around my head. Many times I stare on nothing, allowing my brain to breath. And somehow, the moment I put my fingers on the keys, the thoughts are all lost.

Well, maybe not lost.

Just scared.

Scared to write what I actually feel. Scared that what I might write may confuse me all the more. Doubled are the efforts to erase what has been written. Too many crazy stuff. Too many to think about.

I haven't really made peace with the situation. But I guess I had finally made peace with myself.

I am here. Staring in amazement. Numb. Working from 5am to 5pm. Doing everything and anything to please my boss. Blogging is a luxury I can't afford at the office right now. Can't even take lunch on time.

I am on a self-imposed hiatus. Jodee left, off to find the meaning in her life. Might take a little more time to come back. I am me now. For a while.

Every night, as I lay myself to sleep, I drool over the thought of going away. In one too many times, I long to just hang out losely, freely..and with all the carnival rides around me perhaps.

I need a break.

But the thought of taking a break stresses me out all the more. People may have to use shovel to find me at my desk by then. In short, I just couldnt afford one right now. Not financially though.

So off with my vacation on my head...

It'll be a day of ice creams and chocolates. A lot of pictures, Im sure of that. I'd be having fun all day long, all day long and all day looong. When filling in my heart means losing one's voice, then I'd be glad to offer mine.

And I wonder...Is my need to take a break means I need 'me' to get away. Hmm. And so I begin to realize.

That I need to get away.

Get away from all the pain.

I can't complain about my life right now. I am far more blessed than most people my age.

It's just that it gets to be empty.

Especially when you need to bribe a friend to just keep you company for a while.

Life sucks.

But who said it ain't?

Sigh.

Release

I am going to live a fantastic life.

I want to be able to reach the skies with my feet still grounded. I want to be able to reach out and have people's love fill me in. I want to be able to exceed everyone and anyone's expectation yet still wanting to learn more things.

I want to go out to see the world at different angles, but I want to see the sun set at different parts of my country first.

I want to start small, a step at a time, and be this incredibly big (not literally though) person, loud and proud.

I am not going to limit myself.

And by not limiting myself, I want to just let go of the reins and let life take me to where I am bound to be.

Let life take me to where I should be.

I am still battling with my own demos though.

And I admit that every day is a battle to stand up for the decisions that I have made along the way.

But I won't stop.

Not for love.

Not even that.

Free.

For the nth time, I'm starting my life anew.

It came unexpectedly, but as they say, 'it'll be when it's meant to be.'

i cant even begin to think what it'll be like. But i'm sure it won't be as hard as it was from the start.

My emotions are drained. I would have wanted to cry or whine or die. But the wise in me knows that all I'll waste are tears. Can't bring back what was.

The loss was inevitable. All along I knew everything and anything would come to what it is now.

My brain is blank. The anger is adding to the confusion. I would have wanted to curse and scream, but the values I have is holding me back.

Goodbye, bestbud. May you find the one thing you've always had all along.

Lonely on Top

I went to work today at 5:30 a.m.

Damn.

And I left work to go home at 5:30 p.m.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

I can barely open my eyes while I drive myself home.

I have never been so tired at work than I have been today.

Life is really weird.

I used to daydream all day at work.

And now look at me. I can barely go to the cr.

I know I can do this. Sooner or later, everything's going to be just as easy as my first assignment.

And no, I am not going to let anybody put me down.

Not even when their eyebrows raise when I pass by.

Not even when they doubt.

Not even when they smirk.

Not even politics.

Not even that.

Because no matter how hard they laugh and no matter how high their brows will raise,

I get to be the one on top.

=)

Life and Work

I just got promoted.

AndI became the saddest person on earth.

Not that I did not want it. It's just that I do not want to want it now.

I've never been afraid of challenges. My life mantra is never say no until I get to do it.

But perhaps this time my life mantra will not work.

I am a newbie in this field. And being one brings discomfort to my thoughts.

Haven't had much sleep lately. Even in dreams, I see my new boss shouting at me.

Even my subconscious is scared.

I guess I still am too young for this battle. People spend half of their years working their way on top.

I got it in less than five years.

Am I worth all this? Can I make this work?

Got to pray a LOT harder.

They say in work you must have one buddy to run to to let out all the stress.

I just hope my bestbud will still be there.

Sigh.

New Year, New Me.

Too much things going on all at the same time.

My hands shout out to write.

But my mind is blank.

Dont know where to begin.

Didn't know how it ended.

All I am left is a new life.

I can't say where I am at my life right now.

The changes are too overwhelming.