White Light

I remember the day my body gave up on me.

‘Twas a few days ago. I woke up with a slight blur in my head. Too little sleep has made its way up to my brain. I opened my eyes and I couldn’t move. There was absolutely no energy. Zero.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to happen. There’s an innate detector in me capable of predicting some strange thing is going to happen.

Being a denial prick that I am, I fought back. I can’t let it ruin my day.

And so there I was, putting one foot in front of the other, just to get through the day.

Took my breakfast, went to the office and sat on the chair.

And that’s the only thing I got to do. I sat.

Not enough energy to even smile.

Though stubborn as I was, I still got some sense in my brain. I raised the white flag. Just couldn’t take it anymore.

Went home and slept from 9am to 4pm. No morning snacks. No lunch. No texting. No nothing. Just got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom. Even that was draining the soul out of me.

Talk about extreme tiredness.

Life’s myriad stress-causing gifts. I realized I can only push myself that far. When beyond the limit, the body breaks down.

Four times in less than 2 weeks. Damn, something must be really, really wrong.

But then again, I am a denial prick, remember?

Game Over.

It's time to let you go,
It's time to say goodbye.

No more excuses,
No more tears to cry.

I'll always have the memory,
She'll always have you.

Fate has a way of changing

what you don't want to.

Throw away the shades,
Let love fly away.

Until love comes again,

I'll be okey.

Make a Change.Take a Chance.Breakaway

1. Coffee in the morning, Cola every meal.
2. Smell of the sheets, firmness of the mattress.
3. Texture of powder on skin; alcohol on foot.
4. Barbeques for nights in a row.
5. Chatting in front of each other, texting when away.
6. Driving a ford ranger; scaring passengers away.
7. Living on the edge, always on the go.
8. Stopping by to see the sunset, waking up early to see it rise
9. Late night talks, made longer by caffeine
10. Seeing the 'white light', knowing the hands who'll catch the fall.
11. Vanilla, Champaca, Ilang ilang and Talisay. Need I say more?
12. Stares that explore, gazes that melt.
13. Talking without words, understanding the pain.
14. Letting go, bringing it all back.
15. Game attire and the swimwear that was never worn
16. Music and lyrics, playing by ear what the heart wants to hear
17. Childhood stories and memories
18. Reading what is written, knowing we knew it all along
19. Ending the pain by talking about it; Extending the pain by holding on.
20. Holding hands, healing the heart
21. Arguing in whispers, crying in silence
22. Going through the experience, learning by the minute
23. Con Salcicces and Manhattan Meat Lovers
24. Kisses in the Office
25. Kisses in somebody else's office.
26. Falling asleep in the arm; Waking up in your stare
27. Coffee with Magazine, Hands entwined.
28. Mornings with frustrations, nights with much understanding.
29. Calm after the fear. Courage to take the risk.
30. One step at a time, one day at a time.
31. The smiles, the tears
32. And the memories we will hold so dear.

Of Learning and Healing

Woke up one day and saw the moon on my right and the sun rising on my left.

Funny how things can be the way they are. Some things are meant to be the way they are and once in a blue moon, they become upredictable and short of being the way they are supposed to be.

Im starting over my life now and seeing the moon and the sun all at the same time was my sign.

I can't have it all, I know that. But every once in a while, Life can give me a piece of both worlds.

The journey is what matters. I can't live forever groping over what might have been, what could have been, what I couldn't have. Life will always be the way it is...that no matter how I want one thing, it will always, always give me what I need.

Starting over has never been my favorite cup of tea. Let alone starting over alone. But I am amazingly okey with it. My heart is unusually calm. Maybe the tears are finally over. Maybe.

As one friend told me once: Maybe we just need to get through the experience to know what we really want. I did. I did get through it all. And I realized that the smiles were worth every tears. The experience was worth the fear.

I needed to get through everything I just did to know that I will never feel the love I need until I learn to see that I am worth everything and anything. I do not need any body to validate that. I only need me to know that.

I used to say that "Some good things never last." But maybe they do. Maybe the good things are meant to be the lessons to be learned, and in no way will they last.

In a month, I have learned far more many beautiful things in life that most people spent their whole lives trying to learn.

And I would like to believe that in some way or another, I have taught the same lesson as well.

Open Hands

Came across this sad love letter...

Dear B,

What happened was beyond my wildest imagination. The truth is, I didnt know it was going to happen.

But it did. I was at it. My whole heart was in it.

I fell in love with you.

There, I said it. I finally said it.

My head has been fighting with my heart not to let this thing happen. But it did happen.

It felt right, though the circumstances were all wrong. God knows the challenges we are up against. Everything and anything are against us. There's just no way that we could make it through.

I wanted to be next to you all the time. You made me feel special again. You made me believe in love again. You made everything and anything happy. You put back theis smile in my face with this love in my heart.

I had you for three weeks, and that was one of the best three weeks of my life.

But I am letting you go now.

Reality came right back up and showed me that I could never have what I am not meant to have.

You were never mine and you can never be mine.

And I was never yours and I could never be one.

I was angry. Hell, you know how angry I was. I hated life for giving me you yet we can't be together. I hated my life for what I have and hated life most when it slapped me with what I couldn't have. I was drowned at the thought of what I wanted but I couldn't have. Could not have. Can never have.

My hands are up. I am letting you go now.

I just can't have you. Just couldn't.

Sounds so melodramatic, but that's just what it is. I just couldnt have you. And I could state a million reasons why we can be together but there are still few reasons why we can't. And that makes all the difference.

I just couldn't live the life that you wanted me to live.

I can't be the person you want me to be.

I can't be with you when you can't even begin to think of starting over your life with me.

And I can't give up my life when you can't.

That's just not the way how love works for me.

Life has its reasons for putting me in this place, and I would like to believe that love still works. Maybe not for us, but I hope that someday it will still work for me.

And I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the lesson I've learned with you.

With all my love,

G

Awful.

I wish there are words to exactly describe what I feel right now.

But I guess there aren't.

Beyond sadness, I feel like a worthless prick..

When will my time come? When will life take my side and allow me to feel what I deserve to feel? When will life stop turning the joke on me? When will the pain end and the tears dry?

Will I forever feel this way?

All I ever do is to make people laugh. Make them smile. Have them their time.

But who will ever make me laugh without hesitation and love me without prejudice? When will people stop laughing at me and start treating me right?

God knows I haven't done anything bad against these persons. I may not always be a good girl at all times but I know I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person.

Please make the pain stop.

Please make the pain stop.

Please.

The one thing that blew my mind..

Last night was the first time I slept with a gun under my bed.

Scary.

Acceptance

I am dazed.

My life has been pretty difficult lately. It used to be 'just like this'. I was happy with what I have. Satisfied. Content. Miserable but I find happiness in small ways. In my own little ways.

Until life turned back at me and showed my what I could have...what I deserve to have. In a flash,I have been given that fleeting chance to see what could be...and what I can be.

And just as fleeting as it is, it was all gone.

Back to square one.

And I was sad. Completely lost.

Not because I didnt get what I wanted.

I was sad because no matter how hard I think of it, I could not find the answers to my one biggest question: "Why was I given that chance when the chance wasnt mine after all?"

And here I am, not quite sure what to do, what to think, how to act, where to stand..

I guess this is all my fault. I wouldnt be in this situation if I didnt allowed it to happen. It wouldn't be this hard if I just kept my heart to myself.

God, how I wanted to hate the person who put me in this place. My mind is screaming to let out that anger. But I know deep in my heart that the anger I am feeling is the anger I feel at myself.

No one is to blame but me.

Now I have to go back to where I was.

My 'just like this' life.

Feeling Happy Today