Happiness

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my "life". This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Author unknown

Loophole..

No matter where I go, what I do or how I do it, I am dragged into some kind of a whirlpool over and over again.

Same pattern. Same issues. Same misconceptions. No matter how defend myself knowing I have done nothing wrong.

My hands are up. I surrender.

Same pattern, same issues, same kind of hurt. No matter how I often I tell myself not to get affected by it, it still give me that shot of pain.

My heart is weary. It screams out loud for all of you to stop.

Same pattern, same issues, same flight….Alone.

My eyes are dry. Will have to stop asking why.

I let out a huge sigh.

There are things in life that we are meant to do. Expected by people for us to do. Destined to do. Born into the world to do. Built the way we are to do the things we have to do.

But there are certain things in life that we do…because it feels right, even if it makes no sense. The unpredicted things. The ones we never saw coming. The ones that catches us by surprise.

Who ever said that all things right is meant to feel so right?

And who said following the mind is right and following the heart is wrong? When does right feel right and when will the heart be told that it is wrong?

No matter how painful the road I am traveling now, I hope that one day soon I’ll get to understand why. I hope to learn the lessons, whatever it may be.

Red Bud Rising..

For the first time, I felt what it is to be outside looking in.

Felt bad. It feels like I'm part of something yet I dont really matter. As if, in an instant, I was part of the common group.

Weird. Not that I didn't want it. At times when all seemed tough, I wished I wasn't part of it. Now that I am not, I wished I was back in.

Life could really be so strange and unpredictable. No matter how we prepare for tomorrow, life has its ways of playing it in and around you.

No, don't get me wrong, I am not discouraged. True, I may be feeling bad...but allowing me to feel that bad feeling will make me stronger. This can't hurt me. I know I am not there yet and it just isn't my time. I have my own little ways to make myself matter and I know in one way or another, I am being appreciated for that. And that's okey for me.

Really, it is okey for me.

Maybe discontent comes when we feel too much and think too much. Life isn't all about me. God has His ways of showing me to take a few steps backward and see the bigger picture. Maybe it is meant to be this way...so that my heart will be given a chance to rest.

Told you we can't have it all. =)

confused

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

yellow mind with a white blank

I want to write a blog. Since three days ago, this has been on my mind. But the moment I try to compose one, I delete the words more than I rewrite them. Not that my mind is blank. More like too confused to even write.

I wanted to write so much about my life, my new gym instructor, my new challenges at work, new friends, new frustrations...but my hands aren't interested.

But it has been difficult...my life in general. Yet, I couldnt complain. A friend told me recently that I cant have it all. Maybe he's correct. Maybe the new urge to be healthy and fit pays for the sadness over some love that has gone sour. Maybe my new promotion is a trade for the anguish I feel everyday having my car stall on me. You win some, you lose a lot. Yet, you lose some and still win a lot.

When will I ever learn that loving is living yet living is not only about loving? When will I ever learn not to expect much from the people I thought will always always be there? When will I learn that life is really what we make of it. The choice is mine, whether to be happy or not, to stay or go, to be or not to be.

For Just a While

God I feel like hell tonight.

Pardon me but let me borrow that line for a while.

I wish there were words to describe what I feel. But there aren't.

I have been really bubbly and giggly all day. The sound of my laughs went beyond the nth level. Idle time was left for joking around. It's nice to forget once in a while.

But those were empty smiles. Yes, I had fun...but I wish I could pry open my heart to know where the void is coming from.

I wish I could have time to just cry myself out, let the pain flow.

But I can't.

And I won't.

Time heals all wounds they say but how long will mine end?

I wish there was an easier way but the coward in me made me stay.

I close my eyes. I wish I'd be given a chance to cry.

Then maybe I'll feel a little better.

Even for just a little while.

You Cant Hurt Me No More

Im starting over with my life.

I’ve finally said my piece. I’m tired and I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. I may have let it pass before, thinking that it doesn’t matter anymore. But it does matter now. It has always been.

We had a pre-Friday the 13th episode.

And now, I’m starting over with my life today. Friday the 13th day of July.

I know it’ll be hard. And hell yeah I am scared. I haven’t been alone for a very long time and I don’t know where to start now.

But I don’t need you to make me smile. I can do that on my own.

I don’t need you to make me whole. Finding the perfect guy to make you whole is a crap. I was full of crap then. I am not anymore.

I don’t need you actually.

Not anymore.

this is my NOW

Everyday is a struggle.

From waking up to going to sleep. From picking the right clothes to wear and to deciding whether to take a bath or not. To eat or to continually doze of to sleeplandia. To go to the mall or to go home early. To be the employee I am paid to be or to be the boss of my own world. To shine or to mum. To be the person I am expected to be or to show the person I have become.

Every day that I drive myself to work, I say to myself that today is going to be different. Then I thank Him for giving me another day to live. This has become my habit. Not to mention humming "I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...it's gonna be a bright sun-shiney day..". I dont know why but somehow, this tiny habit has become my assurance...my comfort...that all will be well today. That nothing can take away my smile. That life is still good and that every day is a new day, a new chance.

I guess people will never understand the struggles I have in my life. Then again, they dont need to. Anxiety comes when I try to take the leash over something I have no control of. One of the many life lessons in ironically twisted design.

I have my life till 35. Having mvps limits you only to that certain span of thinking. Still 8 years coming. Good enough for me.

Taking one day at a time.

What will I do when I reach 35?

I'll cross the bridge when I get there.