Empty Smiles, Heavy Tears

Last night, I cried myself to sleep.

Heck, I was sad. Sad as hell.

People go through life interacting with other people. Making connections. Keeping friends. Enjoying moments. Sharing lives.

Making friends is easy. But keeping them is hard. Being one is the hardest part.

I am a friend but I am not 'sharing' kind of friend. I am there through your happy times and you bet I will be there during your hard times. I share my life when I'm happy. But only to a few will I open my life when I'm going through a rough ride.

I smile and laugh and talk out loud...my defenses which are at extreme high when I hide the pain. Laughter is my curtain to hide the worries. No one needs to share the burden that I bear. I feel as though people need not to know the drama.

This is who I am. This is how I am built.

Human as I am, there are a few who I share whatever it is that is behind the curtain.

A few.

Realizing that, I cried myself to sleep.

It's getting lonely up here.

Frozen in Time

Showing off my favorite Friendster moments..

With my highschool girlfriends Ruth, Kartz, Marla and BG.



On my first ever mountain climbing experience at Mt. Epol
(Sorry, the cam date is wrong. It was June 1, 2004)




Our first ComDev bonding pictorials at Mt. Kitanglad


What Joy and I did when we first arrived in Boracay.



Loving like the first time.=)


My first spelunking experience. Oh how marshmallowy the rock is!




This is tiring. Gotta stop for a while....

Not quite Home..

I miss my room.

My room meaning my own room in my own house.

Had my house blessing last month and got to live on my own for just about two weeks. Enjoyed the silence, really. No fuss, no noise, no one to talk to. For a time, I loved being alone with myself. Loved cleaning the floors, and arranging my stuff. It was fun. It was great. It was liberating. For a time, I felt how good it is to feel independent...Doing what you love when you want it (especially the house chores!)

Then I got sick and had to move back to my parents' house. With what I have right now, it's not really good for me to go to be alone.

Sigh, it has been two weeks and I miss my house. I miss my plants. I miss my rugs. I miss my broom and I miss my toilet. I miss my green curtains and my wall paint coded as feather duster for a color. I dont quite miss my new tv because it's not cable ready yet but somehow, I miss the new tv rack. I miss my tiles and I miss my tiny little things. I miss my bed and my nemo-inspired night lamp.

So much to miss about. I even miss my battery-less wall clock!

Gotta go back home.

Missing Friendster

I miss Friendster.

Yep, with all honesty, I am one of them. I am a Friendster Addict. By heart and by soul (wink!).

Seeing my kindergarten classmates and getting updates on who got married and what their parties were like, Friendster connected me with my friends. I got to see a glimpse of my bestfriend's workplace, my college classmates' new house and my old friends' trip from around the world. In the same manner, I got to show (or boast?!) my new house, my life as a working professional, my road trips with my partner and my never ending picture perfect Friendster moments.

Sigh, I miss Friendster. Especially when I browse through my cellphone and see the many pictures I have yet to upload (and brag!). I have not yet shown to the world my birthday cake, our new house blessing, my recent hospital vacation. Grrrr...there's just so much to share. Too bad, our office internet blocked the Friendster site. (And my golly, I mean Friendster site only).

I miss Friendster...and the connectivity it gave me with the people who matter in my life. I miss Friendster...and the relief I feel knowing that my friends are okey on the other parts of the world. I miss Friendster...for me being able to share my life to the world...and making me feel that no matter how ordinary it may be, I do matter in this world. Even for just a while.

But missing Friendster has its rewards. It got me blogging! And here I am ranting, thinking out loud. Haaayy, life can really be so melodramatic.

Talk about seeing life at both sides.

Shutterbug

If I could, I'd like to give an award and make a monument to whoever invented Photoshop.

Recently discovered it and I still am amazed everytime I make special effects out of my ordinary pictures. I mean, whoever imagined that blurring and a little bit of tint could make a photo so priceless.

I just can't get enough of it...just can't that I do photo editing even during office hours (Sorry boss!).

I hope to be able to make special pictures soon. And I mean a lot. I hope to remember the moments, the smiles and all that was a part of a picture the moment the cam snaps it. With a deteriorating memory due to "abusive" amounts of meds, I think I do need a CD fullof pictures worth enough to remember them all.

It's just that sometimes...in the hope to taking the best photo...I am not in it.

Poor thing.

Realizations from my Hospital Bed

For once in my life, everything finally made sense.

I have everything. Well, almost.

Yet, I was hopeless. Anxious. Scared. Depressed. Angry. Lost. I felt as if I have nothing to live for. Much less, to die for. People think that I am blessed. I know I am but I find it hard to believe.

Some days I feel great. Some days I feel like the most useless person on earth. Extreme feelings, extreme emotions. Something terrifies me...something that I have yet to find out. I am scared of something, which is really nothing, but still I am afraid of it so technically it IS something. Sigh, I am going crazy.

The hardest part of it all was that nobody really understoon my struggle.

And for once in my life, everything made sense.

Finally.

After all the tests and having a lot of doctors touch and press my breasts (oh yes, i have two!), the doctors finally said what I needed to hear all these time.

I have an Anterior Mitral Valve Leaftlet Prolapse with Mitral Regurgitation (MVP Disorder).

Sounds weird? Say that ten times faster and it is much weirder.

Look it up in the internet but simply put it this way: My heart is a factory defect. That's straight from my doc's mouth.

And then it all made sense. The anxiety. The depression. The panic attacks. Everything and anything that I have unusally felt. The chest pains. The shortness of breath. Losing oxygen as if a hundred pound baby elephant is stuck in my lungs. The palpitations. The numbness. The asthma and the extreme tiredness. All of it finally made sense...the effects of having your blood leak back to your heart.

And so I thought I was going crazy, psychologically disable. I thought it was just stress. One too many times, I almost quit my job for the hopelessness that I was feeling.

Amazing how one little tiny body part could have this strange and confusing effects.

Now the gray clouds are over because I now finally understood.

Life is much easier (and brighter!) if you know what you are dealing with.

And no, I am not dying.

Not yet.

Tying the untied knot

I attended a friend's wedding today and like every girl attending a wedding, it seemed like it was such a big deal...i mean for me. I took a leave from work to prepare for the ceremony, bought a new pair of shoes, re-used a gown and took courage to paint my face with make up for the very first time (coz i didnt want to spend that much, considering i bought my self one expensive pair of shoes...and it's not even my own wedding!).

Yes i was excited...I was excited for my friend (God bless him & his brand new wife) & I was excited for myself (it'll be the first time my Pbgea friends would see my bare shoulders!). Yes, I was anxious before the wedding because I dont know how my friends would react to my new look and I was even more anxious during the wedding knowing I was one of the only two lady guests wearing a gown!

But most of all, I was scared. Scared that I might be next. Scared that I might not be next. Scared that my date with the altar would be later than I expected. Scared that no one would ever ask me and that i'll never be next. Scared that the clock is ticking fast yet my pockets arent that full yet. Scared that I might grow old gray and old and single. Scared that because most of my friends have gone way past the 'me-next' stage I might be 'pressured' to take the plunge. Scared that my turn will never come.

I look at the newly weds and then it just struck me...

Life isn't all about weddings. Love isn't about hurrying up the altar steps.

Yes, before I was so eager to get married, start a new family and have my own babies. I wanted to be married. I wanted what it would feel like being a wife, wake up each morning looking at the same man. And then I almost got married to the wrong man.

I never really understood one friend who couldnt see himself getting married. I mean, I couldnt see why one couldnt commit..to love and to hold...one partner...for the rest of one's life.

And being in the wedding today made it all clear.

Marriage isn't for me yet. Just not yet.

And I now finally understood why my friend couldn't see himself getting married just yet. Soon, when the right time comes and one is brave enough to ask when I am ready enough to share my own secure world, then maybe, just maybe, i can say im next.

Memory Gap or Memory Gone??!

Memory gap, anyone??

When does one qualify for that disease?

Is it only for the old folks? I wonder.

I am amazed on how little I remember of my ‘childhood’ days.

And I mean little in its littlest way.

I went out a couple of nights ago with my highschool girlfriends. You know how it is when seeing your old friends…one talking before one could even finish…stories untold for centuries…laughing all over again about the stories we’ve already laughed at the last time we met.

And there we were…four happy friends who managed to see each after years of not being together. Sharing our lives again. Wondering how each one has been. (And I bet thinking who among us has a far better salary than the other!).

Talking. Laughing. Reminiscing.

But I wasn’t reminiscing. I was remembering.

Trying to remember. Trying real hard.

We were there, happily talking, but my mind was far beyond where it should be.
Blabbing their mouths and I was like hearing the stories for the first time.
Seriously, I could not remember most of the things they said we did way back the time when we felt we were all grown ups and so mature and ready to marry.

I couldn’t even believe when one friend told me we were classmates in our sophomore year. And she was my bestfriend back then!!

Why can’t I remember???

I tried going through all the memories, the letters, the pictures, the notes…and for me it felt like reading and seeing it for the first time. Scary, knowing that my brain shut out on me.

Alarming, knowing that my friends have their memories intact and I don’t. Disturbing, feeling I let my self down.

I’m writing this down so that in time, when I’ll read this again, I’ll remember the few memories that I have. By then I’d recall:

That back in my freshmen year, 95% of the girls in my class confronted me with their anger. They were angry coz I was bestfriends with one of our classmate who happened to be their crush.

That I wasn’t able to attend to most parties in highschools (birthdays, gimiks) because my mom would stay at the streets of Tibungco with smoke in her nose when im still not home by 6pm.
That for the few parties that I’ve been to, I managed to eat first among all guests because I had to leave by 5pm.

That (according to my friends) during my menstrual period and some blood would eventually manage to get their way into my skirt, I’d cover it with chalk. Imagine that. (That one I’d rather forget).

That at one time, all my classmates laughed at me because I pronounced ‘H’ as ‘etch’ with conviction because that was what my grade 3 english teacher taught me. Kasalanan ko ba yun???
That during my third year prom, I looked like sailor moon but with a curly hair and red lips. And that I couldn’t concentrate on the party knowing that my mom and dad where down at the lobby waiting for me.

That on my fourth year prom, I almost cried because my prom partner arrived seconds before the doors would be locked.

That’s all I remember. For now.

Maybe my brain shrunk.

Learnings from a mountain

Mt. Hamiguitan was no simple mountain to conquer. After four days of endless walking and not taking a bath, these are few of the things i have realized:

1. That I am really stronger than I think. (Thanks to Nilo's nike shirt, it became my motto for the entire duration of the trek.)

2. That you can really survive on corned beef and bulad but you can never survive without eating that much rice.

3. That ill always be thankful for the one who invented the tights and the leg warmers and the arm guards. Without it, i would never had made it in one piece.

4. That when an experienced mountaineer tells you to bring an earthpad or make your pack light, believe him. He is far more experienced than you so he should know better.

5. That when mountain climbing, you really dont have to worry about water that much. A mountain has so many springs with the best tasting water...even if it has tadpoles swimming in it! =)

6. That you can decide not to take a bath for four days and your camp mates will still go to bed with you every night. They will still love you though they really dont really have that much choice.

7. That mountaineers should really really be appreciated. Not many people in this world would give up the comforts of their homes to live in the woods. Imagine how hard that may be for some people, but for them, the reward is in conquering the mountain and conquering one's self.

8. That it helps if you bring a sachet of juice to change the mood of your tongue and it helps to bring a cologne that you can use after the trek.

9. That when you go in to this kind of adventure, you will truly realize what you are made of. You only have yourself to depend on. Take the step, no one else will do that for you.

10. That when you are down and tired, trust in your trekmates that they will never leave you.

11. That mountain climbing is not just a mere sport. In it you can build the foundation of your friendship. In it you harbor camaraderie.

12. That at the end of each day of each trek, you build friendships that last. Why? Because the only you can do is talk. People will begin to realize who you really are without the comforts of everyday life.

13. That i will always be grateful to the friend who brought me along the trek and helped me realize and see for myself the other side of the world and the stuff i am truly made of.

People we call Friends

In life we find people who we laugh with, share stories with, go through life with. People who we can learn to hate yet still find it in our hearts to love. People who connect with our souls. People who may not necessarily have our same views yet still respect our opinions anyway.

People we call friends.

Rare are those who come to your life and be a friend, in its truest form. And when you find them, your heart is nourished like it has never been before.

I am lucky to have friends who i call family. Friends who really treat you as one. Friends who sees your weaknesses and still love you for it. Friends who never get tired of seeing the person you have not been.

Friends who care, no matter the distance.

I can only say thank you, for being there when i need one the most (and even when i dont!). For bringing out the best in me, i can only do so much by passing it forward. =)

Dreaming but Awake

I stay awake, thoughts interrupted my sleep. I close my eyes, with all efforts to doze off, but all seems energized. Even my brain. Not to mention my grumbling stomach. So goes another time for reflection...one of which I rarely do.

Amazing what staying awake can do. I see my self. I see my life. Flashing before me, I cant help but smile.

Life has been great. Not that I didnt have my fair share of heartbreaks and lifebreakers. Too much to mention, to little space to discuss. In a nutshell, life has been filled with smiles and cheers, with much pain and tears. Still amazed why Im still alive..the meds may have allowed my body parts to function the way it should be. Maybe. I look back with awe, amazed on what I have been through, who I have been with, how I have felt and the decisions I made to be where I am right now. Amazing, life could really be indescribable when you take one step backward to look at it. Im excited what the future will bring.

I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next year and the years after that.

I'm happy right now. Not necessarily jumping up and down with so much joy. Just happy. Happiness with much content. Life is hard but who says it is not. I guess the key to having a great disposition in life is knowing how to handle it in your brain.

You teach yourself to be the way you are when things are the way they are.

Tough job, but life is much tougher. My job seems tough and the people I deal with makes it tougher...but I promised myself not to let them be tougher than me. Im decided on that. And they cant taint my picture of life, no matter how difficult they make my life be. Words are just mere uttered sounds. It can't hurt me. True, it'll only make me tougher. (Note to self: I'm not blogging to chant on my job frustrations. Life is great. Life if beautiful. Smile.)

I may not be as religious and as devoted as others may be. But God knows how thankful I am for the life that I am living. I guess when you reach a certain level of thought, contentment follows.

Achieving more than what was expected...climbing mountains and exploring caves when all people doubted my capacity...doing the things I love mostly...making a difference without having to brag about it...helping few strangers here and there...loving like crazy like tomorrow will never come...exploring life and exploring the world an inch at a time...great family, wonderful friends, a rewarding job...I could not ask for more. Well, maybe a much cheaper salbutamol and ventolin inhalers...

What's next for me, that i will yet to discover. I've been able to mark most tick boxes on my life checklist. My "Before-I-Die" Checklist. Get a good paying job: check. Learn to drive a four wheed vehicle: check. Buy my own place: check. Travel alone by plane: check. Stand beside Bo Sanchez: check. Plant a tree and save the world: check. Climb a mountain: check. Learn a sport: check. Try spelunking: check. Learn a new language: check (technically, "aneung haseyo" is a new language). Be promoted within the first five years: double check. Wear micro mini skirt in public: check. See the world with the man I love: half check (we've only done local travels. Saving for you, Disneyland!). Try alcohol and cigarettes: check. Make my momma proud: check. Learn to stand up and fight for one's self: check check check!

Took me twenty six years to have it checked.

More tick boxes to mark. Learn to swim. Watch a movie alone. Enrol in a gym. Eat vegetables. Wear 4" high heels for one day. Get my masters degree. Use my PRC license for what its worth. Teach kindergarden kids. Sing on stage. Make a quilt. Tend my own garden. Cut my boyfriend's goatee. Take my family on a shopping spree. Plan my own wedding. Be a wife and a mom. Outgrow asthma. Grow taller (ehem, I think this one belongs to the Wishlist to Santa). Complete my "Before-I-Die" checklist before I reach 50. (God knows if i'll reach that age!)

With all these joys, I wish I could teach people how to have this kind of happiness. But I know that's impossible...Life ain't made to be taught. It is for one to experience and learn. It ain't generic...what works for me may not really work for all. I ain't happy going to discos, but some people find that fun. Weird...I guess that's just how life is. I hope to remember this moment...my lightbulb moment. Happy and thankful. I wish I'll remember to stay happy and still thankful...even if the 'diablos' in my life take away my mana. (Ok, ok, I admit Im addicted to Diablo)

Moodswings. Maybe tomorrow my body levels will flactuate, estrogen and all...Maybe then i'll blog on how life sucks.

A Promise

If you wait for me then I'll come for you

Although I've traveled farI always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me

If you miss me once in awhile

Then I'll return to youI'll return and fill that space in your heart

RememberingYour touch, Your kiss, Your warm embrace

I'll find my way back to youIf you'll be waiting

If you dream of me like I dream of you

In a place that's warm and dark

In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me

On Contentment

I was at 'it' again...staring in amazement, with a smile on my face..

And there I was...feeling the content in my heart. Life could really be so beautiful.

'It' means looking at your hands holding mine while we're on the bus. Your both hands holding mine. Never wanting to let go. Never letting a minute pass by without having to hold it close to your heart.

When I go through my crazy work everyday thinking how close I am to quitting, when Im stressed out that the only thing I could do is shout, when the day is so rough I am almost close to tears, or when my life seems so pointless I could almost die...I remember 'it' vividly in my mind, your hand holding mine, your eyes staring and your lips in a content smile...I begin to remember the feeling....

...the feeling that life is still beautiful...

..coz I have your hands holding mine...

...both your hands holding mine...

I am content.