Realizations from my Hospital Bed

For once in my life, everything finally made sense.

I have everything. Well, almost.

Yet, I was hopeless. Anxious. Scared. Depressed. Angry. Lost. I felt as if I have nothing to live for. Much less, to die for. People think that I am blessed. I know I am but I find it hard to believe.

Some days I feel great. Some days I feel like the most useless person on earth. Extreme feelings, extreme emotions. Something terrifies me...something that I have yet to find out. I am scared of something, which is really nothing, but still I am afraid of it so technically it IS something. Sigh, I am going crazy.

The hardest part of it all was that nobody really understoon my struggle.

And for once in my life, everything made sense.

Finally.

After all the tests and having a lot of doctors touch and press my breasts (oh yes, i have two!), the doctors finally said what I needed to hear all these time.

I have an Anterior Mitral Valve Leaftlet Prolapse with Mitral Regurgitation (MVP Disorder).

Sounds weird? Say that ten times faster and it is much weirder.

Look it up in the internet but simply put it this way: My heart is a factory defect. That's straight from my doc's mouth.

And then it all made sense. The anxiety. The depression. The panic attacks. Everything and anything that I have unusally felt. The chest pains. The shortness of breath. Losing oxygen as if a hundred pound baby elephant is stuck in my lungs. The palpitations. The numbness. The asthma and the extreme tiredness. All of it finally made sense...the effects of having your blood leak back to your heart.

And so I thought I was going crazy, psychologically disable. I thought it was just stress. One too many times, I almost quit my job for the hopelessness that I was feeling.

Amazing how one little tiny body part could have this strange and confusing effects.

Now the gray clouds are over because I now finally understood.

Life is much easier (and brighter!) if you know what you are dealing with.

And no, I am not dying.

Not yet.