Dreaming but Awake

I stay awake, thoughts interrupted my sleep. I close my eyes, with all efforts to doze off, but all seems energized. Even my brain. Not to mention my grumbling stomach. So goes another time for reflection...one of which I rarely do.

Amazing what staying awake can do. I see my self. I see my life. Flashing before me, I cant help but smile.

Life has been great. Not that I didnt have my fair share of heartbreaks and lifebreakers. Too much to mention, to little space to discuss. In a nutshell, life has been filled with smiles and cheers, with much pain and tears. Still amazed why Im still alive..the meds may have allowed my body parts to function the way it should be. Maybe. I look back with awe, amazed on what I have been through, who I have been with, how I have felt and the decisions I made to be where I am right now. Amazing, life could really be indescribable when you take one step backward to look at it. Im excited what the future will bring.

I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next year and the years after that.

I'm happy right now. Not necessarily jumping up and down with so much joy. Just happy. Happiness with much content. Life is hard but who says it is not. I guess the key to having a great disposition in life is knowing how to handle it in your brain.

You teach yourself to be the way you are when things are the way they are.

Tough job, but life is much tougher. My job seems tough and the people I deal with makes it tougher...but I promised myself not to let them be tougher than me. Im decided on that. And they cant taint my picture of life, no matter how difficult they make my life be. Words are just mere uttered sounds. It can't hurt me. True, it'll only make me tougher. (Note to self: I'm not blogging to chant on my job frustrations. Life is great. Life if beautiful. Smile.)

I may not be as religious and as devoted as others may be. But God knows how thankful I am for the life that I am living. I guess when you reach a certain level of thought, contentment follows.

Achieving more than what was expected...climbing mountains and exploring caves when all people doubted my capacity...doing the things I love mostly...making a difference without having to brag about it...helping few strangers here and there...loving like crazy like tomorrow will never come...exploring life and exploring the world an inch at a time...great family, wonderful friends, a rewarding job...I could not ask for more. Well, maybe a much cheaper salbutamol and ventolin inhalers...

What's next for me, that i will yet to discover. I've been able to mark most tick boxes on my life checklist. My "Before-I-Die" Checklist. Get a good paying job: check. Learn to drive a four wheed vehicle: check. Buy my own place: check. Travel alone by plane: check. Stand beside Bo Sanchez: check. Plant a tree and save the world: check. Climb a mountain: check. Learn a sport: check. Try spelunking: check. Learn a new language: check (technically, "aneung haseyo" is a new language). Be promoted within the first five years: double check. Wear micro mini skirt in public: check. See the world with the man I love: half check (we've only done local travels. Saving for you, Disneyland!). Try alcohol and cigarettes: check. Make my momma proud: check. Learn to stand up and fight for one's self: check check check!

Took me twenty six years to have it checked.

More tick boxes to mark. Learn to swim. Watch a movie alone. Enrol in a gym. Eat vegetables. Wear 4" high heels for one day. Get my masters degree. Use my PRC license for what its worth. Teach kindergarden kids. Sing on stage. Make a quilt. Tend my own garden. Cut my boyfriend's goatee. Take my family on a shopping spree. Plan my own wedding. Be a wife and a mom. Outgrow asthma. Grow taller (ehem, I think this one belongs to the Wishlist to Santa). Complete my "Before-I-Die" checklist before I reach 50. (God knows if i'll reach that age!)

With all these joys, I wish I could teach people how to have this kind of happiness. But I know that's impossible...Life ain't made to be taught. It is for one to experience and learn. It ain't generic...what works for me may not really work for all. I ain't happy going to discos, but some people find that fun. Weird...I guess that's just how life is. I hope to remember this moment...my lightbulb moment. Happy and thankful. I wish I'll remember to stay happy and still thankful...even if the 'diablos' in my life take away my mana. (Ok, ok, I admit Im addicted to Diablo)

Moodswings. Maybe tomorrow my body levels will flactuate, estrogen and all...Maybe then i'll blog on how life sucks.