Seeing the Sun set from Afar

Two days.

Two times I saw the sun set from different angles.

One on a beach in what looks like the penis of my country. And on its breasts.

Strange use of words, huh?

Yep, I saw the sun set at the majestic beach of Glan, Saranggani. The following day, i saw it slide down the mountain peaks at Kapatagan, Mt. Apo.

It was a dream come true. Two splendid moments that earned a check mark for my To-do-list-Before-I-die Checklist.

It was absolutely breathtaking. Im sorry for all those who stayed at their homes during the holidays.

I sat there at the beach, in awe, with my best bud at my side. We sigh with amazed souls. We were lucky to have been given the chance to see what few others saw.

I stared at the mountain peak, with tears sparkling at the corner of my eyes. Still beside my best bud, thankful for the moment.

I am a wandering soul. Only 2 days after being prisoned at my recent hospital stint, still it couldnt stop me from embarking on my first 'real' road trip.

I had an amazing time. Notwithstanding the annoying office calls, it was well worth it.

Worth every pain.

Thank you best bud for sharing that journey with me. =)

blank wall

I started 'owning' my life back.

Finally said i'm letting go. Started over. Joined a group to meet new friends. Rekindled the lost love I had for my God.

And just as when I thought everything's going to start out right, life gave me a new twist...

I really cant start over.

Because I had to take care of the one I chose to turn my back to.

I knew it was coming. Life has its way of making you look at things differently a few moments before it will finally disappear.

You touched my face, I stirred. For the first time in a long time, you said the words goodbye. You never uttered those words. You always say you'll see soon.

'Twas weird. But I said I wouldn't care. See you if I see you. Or don't.

But life never really took you away completely. He gave you back. Bruised with an arm broken and a trauma that'll never heal.

And now I realized, I can never really turn my back on you.

Even if I want to.

Because no one never really asked what I feel.

I have learned that..

1. That loving is not free. There's always a price you have to pay for the life youre willing to risk to feel the love you've always wanted.

2. That it really takes two persons to do the tango. You step on a new dance only when the other person is willing to move his leg. No dance is danced by one person alone. You cannot simply drag the other person to follow your steps. Love is dancing with a free soul.

3. That the hard part in loving is actually letting go of the fear. Once over that hurdle, we begin to understand why love exists.

4. That in loving, it takes real courage to step back and look at love from afar.

5. That love isn't worth it all when amidst the smiles of the two persons in love, somebody else is hurting.

6. That love is willing to let go, to sacrifice...just to make the other person happy. It may not be right for the other, but that's what love is all about.

7. That loving isn't without pain..

8. That love, amidst the pain, is breath taking. It takes you in an instant and we are left in awe.

9. That love is always will be there. Even if you are not together.

10. That after all my journeys, I will still go to bed at night...hoping that love still works.

Fly Away Me

And so our book ends.

I guess it's time to face it.

It's now or never.

And though I refuse to believe that it's over, I guess it is really real this time.

My hands are open. Im letting you go.

Im letting go of the lie that I have been living for the past 4 months.

I was never yours.

And I could never be yours.

We tested the waters. Injured and hurt, but we made it through.

And now the journey is over. I am giving you back to the person you used to belong to.

And I am going back to him.

Hopefully, this time, as a much stronger person. A much better half.

We go through life passing each other's roads. For a brief while, yours and mine intertwined.

But just as quickly as it became, you and I have to move on.

Not because we want it to.

But because it's the only thing left to do.

I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

Stronger. Braver.

And you have just got to let me go.

The End

Is it time for me to move on now?

And when can I say that this time the moving on part is final and real?

Because I have been in this cross road before.

I have had these moments before to myself. Thinking. Justifying. Reasoning. And it all boiled down to deciding to stop whatever I had with you.

Because it was the right thing to do.

Twice. Thrice. I couldn't remember anymore how many times I chose to let go.

But I never really had the courage to let go.

Because in those moments, the decision was a goner the moment you looked at me...and i knew then that I was melting away.

And here am I again.

Back to the crossroad I so long feared.

Is this really it? Are we finally letting go?

And who gets to decide who lets go first? You or me? Or both?

Is it really over?

Life really turned out to be completely different from what I thought it will be.

I know I'll get through this beautiful mess that we've created. Whatever we both will turn out to be after we get through this crossroad, I am a changed person. Not entirely different, but changed.

I could state a million and one lessons I have learned going through all of it. But I will keep my silence and face the world head on with my head up high.

There's nothing to be ashamed of for what I did.

I just loved.

Fly now

Two and a half months.

From being scared to finally letting go.

From fearing about what may be to accepting what really is.

From shying away to looking straight in the eye.

From emotional crying moments to smiling in content.

From the restaurants to another, from places to places

We were destined to meet.

To share the love. To be loved.

To hold my hand when I'm scared. To calm your anger down.

To share and enjoy the moments together.

To be there for each other. To be each other's friend.

To learn from each other. To hear each one out.

But we are destined to let go.

To fly away to know what we really want.

To go back to each other's own worlds.

To live the life that was created before we had each other.

I won't cry. I wont weep.

Life is too beautiful to dwell on what we could never have.

I'm moving on.

But I'm still hoping you'll come home.

bum..

And it seems everything’s so different now.

Less than 48 hours and I have yet to teach myself how to be numb.

Because apparently, you have moved on.

Dropped me like a hot potato.

I really don’t know how to put it in words but I knew it was coming and yet I wasn’t prepared to feel the feeling.

I guess I didn’t expect you’d get over me before I get over you.

My brain is telling me that the change between us is part of it all…and that sooner or later you’d gonna have to do that to me. And that I shouldn’t mind because I know all along that this how our story ends. And that I shouldn’t waste any feelings of despair because it won’t be worth it.

But my heart is feeling the pain.

Because no matter how continually I tell myself that I am okay, my heart is not.

My heart is sad.

Not with anger. Not with misery. Not with much drama.

Just sad.

Life is one hell of a ride. Like my Enchanted Kingdom, you get to choose the ride of your life.

I’m back to the Grand Carousel after I get to ride some wild ride…

I know I’m gonna miss you. Thinking about the stories and the moments we shared, I know I will.

But I know you will miss me too.

Coz I’m always gonna be the girl who got away.

Anger and Regret

Im not angry at you. I am angry with what you said.

It’s not because you can’t leave the only life you’ve always known. You had it all of your life and I can’t take that away from you. It’s about not admitting that you chose this new life for yourself. Stand up for it. Damn it, you owe that kind of respect to me.

It’s not about you not finding the courage to start all over again. I am not asking that from you and I have NEVER asked you to give up what you have. It’s about giving even just a little bit of value for what we now have. I am not a mere phase in your so-called life. We became what we are to each other because we made that choice. Not mine alone.

It’s not about me wanting to be a part of your life. It’s about you treating me as if I’m just a kind of thing that ‘happened’ in your life and will soon be over a moment too soon.

I am me and I exist. I can’t just come and then disappear when you want to. I am a person, I am human. I hurt and I feel the pain.

Why can’t you feel the same pain that I feel?

Silhouette..

I saw the light at my rearview mirror. 3 flicks and my eyes searched for what it was.

Singing alone and driving by myself, you passed by.

And the silhouette of your hand waving at me made me smile.

A big wide smile.

Amazing…for I only saw a shadow, not even a hint of your face, yet my heart skipped for the sight that I saw.

Oh love is a splendid feeling.

Yet, who can say that it is love? And who can say that it is not.

You waved goodbye.

And I’ve waving the love goodbye.

No harm in Having some Fun =)

Big boys don't cry too..

Maybe.

So you think I"m in love?

So you think that if I want to be with you all the time and if I long for us to be together always, I am in love with you?

So you think that if I do things with a little extra effort to make you smile, I am in love with you?

So you think that if your words and thoughts matter, I am in love with you?

So you think that if simple acts are extraordinary signs of longing and love and if plain jokes are heard with music and much laughter, I am in love?

So you think that if my kisses are sweet and my hugs full of warmth and care, I am in love?

So you think that sharing myself, lowering my defenses and letting go of the fear and pain, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I could care less anymore on what people may and will think, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I am comfortable being a mere part of you life, I am in love with you?

So you think that I am becoming the complete opposite of what you might think I am and accepting that change, I am in love with you?

So you think that because we talk and exchange opinions and begin to understand the soul that we are both made of, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I have learned now to stand up for myself and fight for whatever makes me happy, I am in love with you?

So you think that because I can say these words and do these things I am in love with you?

Are you not the same?

And are you not giving more that what is expected?

And are you not feeling exactly the same?

And are you not letting go of the fear and embracing what is there?

And are you not willing to let it go and hold nothing back?

And so you think I am the one in love?

And so you think I am the only one in love?

Think again.

Stepping on the Gas..

** Reading this article made me felt like the writer, my favorite High School English teacher Mr. Rene Lizada, was thinking of me when he wrote this in his Sunstar Article..**

IT is one of the most abused phrases that you hear today. And you hear it everywhere. In shows, in relationships, at work. We hear people say, "nag move on na ako," or "do not dwell in the past, you have to move on." There are other versions but the message is the same.

You should not get stuck, you should well, move on. That people should justforget what has happened and, well, move on. That whatever hurt we have felt, we must not dwell on it and we have to, well, move on.

That is well and good and it is important that we all move on. That we really should not be paralyzed about our past and what it brought, that we should not be stuck in it. That is good and noble and right. But only if when one is ready and when one's heart is finally true. The tragedy is that we all want to move on and yet some of us are not ready to do so. In our haste to move on, we find ourselves deeper in the situation.

Moving on can only happen when we are ready to do so. To think otherwise is foolish and unhealthy. We can only move on when the time is right. We cannot force it nor should we because the result would only be being untrue to ourselves. We move on when we can do so. When our hearts are ready then we move on otherwise we will only be fooling ourselves.

The urgency to move on is perhaps the reason we want desperately to do so. We want to get rid of the hurt and the pain. We want to forget all the suffering and the grief. We want to put aside the sorrow and seek relief. And so we say, yeah I have moved on even if we still feel the pain.

And that perhaps is the secret of moving on.

Sometimes we have to hold on to let go. We must feel the pain if we want to release it. The more we deny something, the stronger it gets. Someone once said, if you resist, it will persist.

What it is saying perhaps is simple. Do not deny the pain or the grief. It is better to accept the pain for what it is. Cry if you have to. Scream if you must. Lament if you have to. Drop to your knees. Cry. Scream. Rage. Let all that is within get out. Feel the pain and loneliness.

Experience the betrayal and the sorrow. Taste the bitterness and the disappointment. Face what must be faced otherwise we will always be in a state of denial. And when we deny, we die.

A lot of us want to be brave and so we say hey I have moved on even if we have not. A lot of want to be strong and so we claim, I have moved on even if we have not. And that is not strength or bravery but simply cowardice and fear. To be brave means to face what must be faced and to be strong means to take whatever sorrow, sorrow brings. To taste it, feel it to the very core of our existence.

All of want to be noble that is why like to say that we must do the right thing and the right thing is to forget and move on. But nobility has nothing to do with pretension. In the "shoulds" of our lives we lose ourselves sometimes.

A good example to that is forgiveness. Everyone tells us to forgive. That is the right thing to do because it liberates us. That forgiveness is not about the one who hurt but it is about the victim. We all hear that, we all know about it and we all know that forgiving is the right thing to do.

I totally agree yet forgiveness is a not an instantaneous thing, it just does not happen, It is a process that takes time. You do not forgive in an instant, you forgive slowly, perhaps even one word at a time, one event at a time. To ask forgiveness after you have totally disregarded the person's feelings is not forgiveness. It is selfishness.

You rant and rave and after you are done, you ask for forgiveness is total disrespect. It cheapens the apology because it is insincere. That is not forgiveness, it is hypocrisy. And in the same breath if you are not ready to forgive then do not.

The thing is, if in your heart you cannot forgive, then do not. Do not force yourself because you will be the only one who will suffer. If you are hurt then let it be so. If you are bleeding then bleed. Do not deny yourself of the pain because ironically it is the pain that will heal you. If you let it.

Read a poem and bleed. Sing with a brokenhearted song for your broken heart. Rage against the injustice and cry with the broken dream. Accept your feelings, taste your pain. And a time will come when all that you experienced will bear fruit. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Time heals. And when it does, you move on.

White Light

I remember the day my body gave up on me.

‘Twas a few days ago. I woke up with a slight blur in my head. Too little sleep has made its way up to my brain. I opened my eyes and I couldn’t move. There was absolutely no energy. Zero.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to happen. There’s an innate detector in me capable of predicting some strange thing is going to happen.

Being a denial prick that I am, I fought back. I can’t let it ruin my day.

And so there I was, putting one foot in front of the other, just to get through the day.

Took my breakfast, went to the office and sat on the chair.

And that’s the only thing I got to do. I sat.

Not enough energy to even smile.

Though stubborn as I was, I still got some sense in my brain. I raised the white flag. Just couldn’t take it anymore.

Went home and slept from 9am to 4pm. No morning snacks. No lunch. No texting. No nothing. Just got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom. Even that was draining the soul out of me.

Talk about extreme tiredness.

Life’s myriad stress-causing gifts. I realized I can only push myself that far. When beyond the limit, the body breaks down.

Four times in less than 2 weeks. Damn, something must be really, really wrong.

But then again, I am a denial prick, remember?

Game Over.

It's time to let you go,
It's time to say goodbye.

No more excuses,
No more tears to cry.

I'll always have the memory,
She'll always have you.

Fate has a way of changing

what you don't want to.

Throw away the shades,
Let love fly away.

Until love comes again,

I'll be okey.

Make a Change.Take a Chance.Breakaway

1. Coffee in the morning, Cola every meal.
2. Smell of the sheets, firmness of the mattress.
3. Texture of powder on skin; alcohol on foot.
4. Barbeques for nights in a row.
5. Chatting in front of each other, texting when away.
6. Driving a ford ranger; scaring passengers away.
7. Living on the edge, always on the go.
8. Stopping by to see the sunset, waking up early to see it rise
9. Late night talks, made longer by caffeine
10. Seeing the 'white light', knowing the hands who'll catch the fall.
11. Vanilla, Champaca, Ilang ilang and Talisay. Need I say more?
12. Stares that explore, gazes that melt.
13. Talking without words, understanding the pain.
14. Letting go, bringing it all back.
15. Game attire and the swimwear that was never worn
16. Music and lyrics, playing by ear what the heart wants to hear
17. Childhood stories and memories
18. Reading what is written, knowing we knew it all along
19. Ending the pain by talking about it; Extending the pain by holding on.
20. Holding hands, healing the heart
21. Arguing in whispers, crying in silence
22. Going through the experience, learning by the minute
23. Con Salcicces and Manhattan Meat Lovers
24. Kisses in the Office
25. Kisses in somebody else's office.
26. Falling asleep in the arm; Waking up in your stare
27. Coffee with Magazine, Hands entwined.
28. Mornings with frustrations, nights with much understanding.
29. Calm after the fear. Courage to take the risk.
30. One step at a time, one day at a time.
31. The smiles, the tears
32. And the memories we will hold so dear.

Of Learning and Healing

Woke up one day and saw the moon on my right and the sun rising on my left.

Funny how things can be the way they are. Some things are meant to be the way they are and once in a blue moon, they become upredictable and short of being the way they are supposed to be.

Im starting over my life now and seeing the moon and the sun all at the same time was my sign.

I can't have it all, I know that. But every once in a while, Life can give me a piece of both worlds.

The journey is what matters. I can't live forever groping over what might have been, what could have been, what I couldn't have. Life will always be the way it is...that no matter how I want one thing, it will always, always give me what I need.

Starting over has never been my favorite cup of tea. Let alone starting over alone. But I am amazingly okey with it. My heart is unusually calm. Maybe the tears are finally over. Maybe.

As one friend told me once: Maybe we just need to get through the experience to know what we really want. I did. I did get through it all. And I realized that the smiles were worth every tears. The experience was worth the fear.

I needed to get through everything I just did to know that I will never feel the love I need until I learn to see that I am worth everything and anything. I do not need any body to validate that. I only need me to know that.

I used to say that "Some good things never last." But maybe they do. Maybe the good things are meant to be the lessons to be learned, and in no way will they last.

In a month, I have learned far more many beautiful things in life that most people spent their whole lives trying to learn.

And I would like to believe that in some way or another, I have taught the same lesson as well.

Open Hands

Came across this sad love letter...

Dear B,

What happened was beyond my wildest imagination. The truth is, I didnt know it was going to happen.

But it did. I was at it. My whole heart was in it.

I fell in love with you.

There, I said it. I finally said it.

My head has been fighting with my heart not to let this thing happen. But it did happen.

It felt right, though the circumstances were all wrong. God knows the challenges we are up against. Everything and anything are against us. There's just no way that we could make it through.

I wanted to be next to you all the time. You made me feel special again. You made me believe in love again. You made everything and anything happy. You put back theis smile in my face with this love in my heart.

I had you for three weeks, and that was one of the best three weeks of my life.

But I am letting you go now.

Reality came right back up and showed me that I could never have what I am not meant to have.

You were never mine and you can never be mine.

And I was never yours and I could never be one.

I was angry. Hell, you know how angry I was. I hated life for giving me you yet we can't be together. I hated my life for what I have and hated life most when it slapped me with what I couldn't have. I was drowned at the thought of what I wanted but I couldn't have. Could not have. Can never have.

My hands are up. I am letting you go now.

I just can't have you. Just couldn't.

Sounds so melodramatic, but that's just what it is. I just couldnt have you. And I could state a million reasons why we can be together but there are still few reasons why we can't. And that makes all the difference.

I just couldn't live the life that you wanted me to live.

I can't be the person you want me to be.

I can't be with you when you can't even begin to think of starting over your life with me.

And I can't give up my life when you can't.

That's just not the way how love works for me.

Life has its reasons for putting me in this place, and I would like to believe that love still works. Maybe not for us, but I hope that someday it will still work for me.

And I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the lesson I've learned with you.

With all my love,

G

Awful.

I wish there are words to exactly describe what I feel right now.

But I guess there aren't.

Beyond sadness, I feel like a worthless prick..

When will my time come? When will life take my side and allow me to feel what I deserve to feel? When will life stop turning the joke on me? When will the pain end and the tears dry?

Will I forever feel this way?

All I ever do is to make people laugh. Make them smile. Have them their time.

But who will ever make me laugh without hesitation and love me without prejudice? When will people stop laughing at me and start treating me right?

God knows I haven't done anything bad against these persons. I may not always be a good girl at all times but I know I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person.

Please make the pain stop.

Please make the pain stop.

Please.

The one thing that blew my mind..

Last night was the first time I slept with a gun under my bed.

Scary.

Acceptance

I am dazed.

My life has been pretty difficult lately. It used to be 'just like this'. I was happy with what I have. Satisfied. Content. Miserable but I find happiness in small ways. In my own little ways.

Until life turned back at me and showed my what I could have...what I deserve to have. In a flash,I have been given that fleeting chance to see what could be...and what I can be.

And just as fleeting as it is, it was all gone.

Back to square one.

And I was sad. Completely lost.

Not because I didnt get what I wanted.

I was sad because no matter how hard I think of it, I could not find the answers to my one biggest question: "Why was I given that chance when the chance wasnt mine after all?"

And here I am, not quite sure what to do, what to think, how to act, where to stand..

I guess this is all my fault. I wouldnt be in this situation if I didnt allowed it to happen. It wouldn't be this hard if I just kept my heart to myself.

God, how I wanted to hate the person who put me in this place. My mind is screaming to let out that anger. But I know deep in my heart that the anger I am feeling is the anger I feel at myself.

No one is to blame but me.

Now I have to go back to where I was.

My 'just like this' life.

Feeling Happy Today

Happiness

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my "life". This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Author unknown

Loophole..

No matter where I go, what I do or how I do it, I am dragged into some kind of a whirlpool over and over again.

Same pattern. Same issues. Same misconceptions. No matter how defend myself knowing I have done nothing wrong.

My hands are up. I surrender.

Same pattern, same issues, same kind of hurt. No matter how I often I tell myself not to get affected by it, it still give me that shot of pain.

My heart is weary. It screams out loud for all of you to stop.

Same pattern, same issues, same flight….Alone.

My eyes are dry. Will have to stop asking why.

I let out a huge sigh.

There are things in life that we are meant to do. Expected by people for us to do. Destined to do. Born into the world to do. Built the way we are to do the things we have to do.

But there are certain things in life that we do…because it feels right, even if it makes no sense. The unpredicted things. The ones we never saw coming. The ones that catches us by surprise.

Who ever said that all things right is meant to feel so right?

And who said following the mind is right and following the heart is wrong? When does right feel right and when will the heart be told that it is wrong?

No matter how painful the road I am traveling now, I hope that one day soon I’ll get to understand why. I hope to learn the lessons, whatever it may be.

Red Bud Rising..

For the first time, I felt what it is to be outside looking in.

Felt bad. It feels like I'm part of something yet I dont really matter. As if, in an instant, I was part of the common group.

Weird. Not that I didn't want it. At times when all seemed tough, I wished I wasn't part of it. Now that I am not, I wished I was back in.

Life could really be so strange and unpredictable. No matter how we prepare for tomorrow, life has its ways of playing it in and around you.

No, don't get me wrong, I am not discouraged. True, I may be feeling bad...but allowing me to feel that bad feeling will make me stronger. This can't hurt me. I know I am not there yet and it just isn't my time. I have my own little ways to make myself matter and I know in one way or another, I am being appreciated for that. And that's okey for me.

Really, it is okey for me.

Maybe discontent comes when we feel too much and think too much. Life isn't all about me. God has His ways of showing me to take a few steps backward and see the bigger picture. Maybe it is meant to be this way...so that my heart will be given a chance to rest.

Told you we can't have it all. =)

confused

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

yellow mind with a white blank

I want to write a blog. Since three days ago, this has been on my mind. But the moment I try to compose one, I delete the words more than I rewrite them. Not that my mind is blank. More like too confused to even write.

I wanted to write so much about my life, my new gym instructor, my new challenges at work, new friends, new frustrations...but my hands aren't interested.

But it has been difficult...my life in general. Yet, I couldnt complain. A friend told me recently that I cant have it all. Maybe he's correct. Maybe the new urge to be healthy and fit pays for the sadness over some love that has gone sour. Maybe my new promotion is a trade for the anguish I feel everyday having my car stall on me. You win some, you lose a lot. Yet, you lose some and still win a lot.

When will I ever learn that loving is living yet living is not only about loving? When will I ever learn not to expect much from the people I thought will always always be there? When will I learn that life is really what we make of it. The choice is mine, whether to be happy or not, to stay or go, to be or not to be.

For Just a While

God I feel like hell tonight.

Pardon me but let me borrow that line for a while.

I wish there were words to describe what I feel. But there aren't.

I have been really bubbly and giggly all day. The sound of my laughs went beyond the nth level. Idle time was left for joking around. It's nice to forget once in a while.

But those were empty smiles. Yes, I had fun...but I wish I could pry open my heart to know where the void is coming from.

I wish I could have time to just cry myself out, let the pain flow.

But I can't.

And I won't.

Time heals all wounds they say but how long will mine end?

I wish there was an easier way but the coward in me made me stay.

I close my eyes. I wish I'd be given a chance to cry.

Then maybe I'll feel a little better.

Even for just a little while.

You Cant Hurt Me No More

Im starting over with my life.

I’ve finally said my piece. I’m tired and I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. I may have let it pass before, thinking that it doesn’t matter anymore. But it does matter now. It has always been.

We had a pre-Friday the 13th episode.

And now, I’m starting over with my life today. Friday the 13th day of July.

I know it’ll be hard. And hell yeah I am scared. I haven’t been alone for a very long time and I don’t know where to start now.

But I don’t need you to make me smile. I can do that on my own.

I don’t need you to make me whole. Finding the perfect guy to make you whole is a crap. I was full of crap then. I am not anymore.

I don’t need you actually.

Not anymore.

this is my NOW

Everyday is a struggle.

From waking up to going to sleep. From picking the right clothes to wear and to deciding whether to take a bath or not. To eat or to continually doze of to sleeplandia. To go to the mall or to go home early. To be the employee I am paid to be or to be the boss of my own world. To shine or to mum. To be the person I am expected to be or to show the person I have become.

Every day that I drive myself to work, I say to myself that today is going to be different. Then I thank Him for giving me another day to live. This has become my habit. Not to mention humming "I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...it's gonna be a bright sun-shiney day..". I dont know why but somehow, this tiny habit has become my assurance...my comfort...that all will be well today. That nothing can take away my smile. That life is still good and that every day is a new day, a new chance.

I guess people will never understand the struggles I have in my life. Then again, they dont need to. Anxiety comes when I try to take the leash over something I have no control of. One of the many life lessons in ironically twisted design.

I have my life till 35. Having mvps limits you only to that certain span of thinking. Still 8 years coming. Good enough for me.

Taking one day at a time.

What will I do when I reach 35?

I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

Empty Smiles, Heavy Tears

Last night, I cried myself to sleep.

Heck, I was sad. Sad as hell.

People go through life interacting with other people. Making connections. Keeping friends. Enjoying moments. Sharing lives.

Making friends is easy. But keeping them is hard. Being one is the hardest part.

I am a friend but I am not 'sharing' kind of friend. I am there through your happy times and you bet I will be there during your hard times. I share my life when I'm happy. But only to a few will I open my life when I'm going through a rough ride.

I smile and laugh and talk out loud...my defenses which are at extreme high when I hide the pain. Laughter is my curtain to hide the worries. No one needs to share the burden that I bear. I feel as though people need not to know the drama.

This is who I am. This is how I am built.

Human as I am, there are a few who I share whatever it is that is behind the curtain.

A few.

Realizing that, I cried myself to sleep.

It's getting lonely up here.

Frozen in Time

Showing off my favorite Friendster moments..

With my highschool girlfriends Ruth, Kartz, Marla and BG.



On my first ever mountain climbing experience at Mt. Epol
(Sorry, the cam date is wrong. It was June 1, 2004)




Our first ComDev bonding pictorials at Mt. Kitanglad


What Joy and I did when we first arrived in Boracay.



Loving like the first time.=)


My first spelunking experience. Oh how marshmallowy the rock is!




This is tiring. Gotta stop for a while....

Not quite Home..

I miss my room.

My room meaning my own room in my own house.

Had my house blessing last month and got to live on my own for just about two weeks. Enjoyed the silence, really. No fuss, no noise, no one to talk to. For a time, I loved being alone with myself. Loved cleaning the floors, and arranging my stuff. It was fun. It was great. It was liberating. For a time, I felt how good it is to feel independent...Doing what you love when you want it (especially the house chores!)

Then I got sick and had to move back to my parents' house. With what I have right now, it's not really good for me to go to be alone.

Sigh, it has been two weeks and I miss my house. I miss my plants. I miss my rugs. I miss my broom and I miss my toilet. I miss my green curtains and my wall paint coded as feather duster for a color. I dont quite miss my new tv because it's not cable ready yet but somehow, I miss the new tv rack. I miss my tiles and I miss my tiny little things. I miss my bed and my nemo-inspired night lamp.

So much to miss about. I even miss my battery-less wall clock!

Gotta go back home.

Missing Friendster

I miss Friendster.

Yep, with all honesty, I am one of them. I am a Friendster Addict. By heart and by soul (wink!).

Seeing my kindergarten classmates and getting updates on who got married and what their parties were like, Friendster connected me with my friends. I got to see a glimpse of my bestfriend's workplace, my college classmates' new house and my old friends' trip from around the world. In the same manner, I got to show (or boast?!) my new house, my life as a working professional, my road trips with my partner and my never ending picture perfect Friendster moments.

Sigh, I miss Friendster. Especially when I browse through my cellphone and see the many pictures I have yet to upload (and brag!). I have not yet shown to the world my birthday cake, our new house blessing, my recent hospital vacation. Grrrr...there's just so much to share. Too bad, our office internet blocked the Friendster site. (And my golly, I mean Friendster site only).

I miss Friendster...and the connectivity it gave me with the people who matter in my life. I miss Friendster...and the relief I feel knowing that my friends are okey on the other parts of the world. I miss Friendster...for me being able to share my life to the world...and making me feel that no matter how ordinary it may be, I do matter in this world. Even for just a while.

But missing Friendster has its rewards. It got me blogging! And here I am ranting, thinking out loud. Haaayy, life can really be so melodramatic.

Talk about seeing life at both sides.

Shutterbug

If I could, I'd like to give an award and make a monument to whoever invented Photoshop.

Recently discovered it and I still am amazed everytime I make special effects out of my ordinary pictures. I mean, whoever imagined that blurring and a little bit of tint could make a photo so priceless.

I just can't get enough of it...just can't that I do photo editing even during office hours (Sorry boss!).

I hope to be able to make special pictures soon. And I mean a lot. I hope to remember the moments, the smiles and all that was a part of a picture the moment the cam snaps it. With a deteriorating memory due to "abusive" amounts of meds, I think I do need a CD fullof pictures worth enough to remember them all.

It's just that sometimes...in the hope to taking the best photo...I am not in it.

Poor thing.

Realizations from my Hospital Bed

For once in my life, everything finally made sense.

I have everything. Well, almost.

Yet, I was hopeless. Anxious. Scared. Depressed. Angry. Lost. I felt as if I have nothing to live for. Much less, to die for. People think that I am blessed. I know I am but I find it hard to believe.

Some days I feel great. Some days I feel like the most useless person on earth. Extreme feelings, extreme emotions. Something terrifies me...something that I have yet to find out. I am scared of something, which is really nothing, but still I am afraid of it so technically it IS something. Sigh, I am going crazy.

The hardest part of it all was that nobody really understoon my struggle.

And for once in my life, everything made sense.

Finally.

After all the tests and having a lot of doctors touch and press my breasts (oh yes, i have two!), the doctors finally said what I needed to hear all these time.

I have an Anterior Mitral Valve Leaftlet Prolapse with Mitral Regurgitation (MVP Disorder).

Sounds weird? Say that ten times faster and it is much weirder.

Look it up in the internet but simply put it this way: My heart is a factory defect. That's straight from my doc's mouth.

And then it all made sense. The anxiety. The depression. The panic attacks. Everything and anything that I have unusally felt. The chest pains. The shortness of breath. Losing oxygen as if a hundred pound baby elephant is stuck in my lungs. The palpitations. The numbness. The asthma and the extreme tiredness. All of it finally made sense...the effects of having your blood leak back to your heart.

And so I thought I was going crazy, psychologically disable. I thought it was just stress. One too many times, I almost quit my job for the hopelessness that I was feeling.

Amazing how one little tiny body part could have this strange and confusing effects.

Now the gray clouds are over because I now finally understood.

Life is much easier (and brighter!) if you know what you are dealing with.

And no, I am not dying.

Not yet.

Tying the untied knot

I attended a friend's wedding today and like every girl attending a wedding, it seemed like it was such a big deal...i mean for me. I took a leave from work to prepare for the ceremony, bought a new pair of shoes, re-used a gown and took courage to paint my face with make up for the very first time (coz i didnt want to spend that much, considering i bought my self one expensive pair of shoes...and it's not even my own wedding!).

Yes i was excited...I was excited for my friend (God bless him & his brand new wife) & I was excited for myself (it'll be the first time my Pbgea friends would see my bare shoulders!). Yes, I was anxious before the wedding because I dont know how my friends would react to my new look and I was even more anxious during the wedding knowing I was one of the only two lady guests wearing a gown!

But most of all, I was scared. Scared that I might be next. Scared that I might not be next. Scared that my date with the altar would be later than I expected. Scared that no one would ever ask me and that i'll never be next. Scared that the clock is ticking fast yet my pockets arent that full yet. Scared that I might grow old gray and old and single. Scared that because most of my friends have gone way past the 'me-next' stage I might be 'pressured' to take the plunge. Scared that my turn will never come.

I look at the newly weds and then it just struck me...

Life isn't all about weddings. Love isn't about hurrying up the altar steps.

Yes, before I was so eager to get married, start a new family and have my own babies. I wanted to be married. I wanted what it would feel like being a wife, wake up each morning looking at the same man. And then I almost got married to the wrong man.

I never really understood one friend who couldnt see himself getting married. I mean, I couldnt see why one couldnt commit..to love and to hold...one partner...for the rest of one's life.

And being in the wedding today made it all clear.

Marriage isn't for me yet. Just not yet.

And I now finally understood why my friend couldn't see himself getting married just yet. Soon, when the right time comes and one is brave enough to ask when I am ready enough to share my own secure world, then maybe, just maybe, i can say im next.

Memory Gap or Memory Gone??!

Memory gap, anyone??

When does one qualify for that disease?

Is it only for the old folks? I wonder.

I am amazed on how little I remember of my ‘childhood’ days.

And I mean little in its littlest way.

I went out a couple of nights ago with my highschool girlfriends. You know how it is when seeing your old friends…one talking before one could even finish…stories untold for centuries…laughing all over again about the stories we’ve already laughed at the last time we met.

And there we were…four happy friends who managed to see each after years of not being together. Sharing our lives again. Wondering how each one has been. (And I bet thinking who among us has a far better salary than the other!).

Talking. Laughing. Reminiscing.

But I wasn’t reminiscing. I was remembering.

Trying to remember. Trying real hard.

We were there, happily talking, but my mind was far beyond where it should be.
Blabbing their mouths and I was like hearing the stories for the first time.
Seriously, I could not remember most of the things they said we did way back the time when we felt we were all grown ups and so mature and ready to marry.

I couldn’t even believe when one friend told me we were classmates in our sophomore year. And she was my bestfriend back then!!

Why can’t I remember???

I tried going through all the memories, the letters, the pictures, the notes…and for me it felt like reading and seeing it for the first time. Scary, knowing that my brain shut out on me.

Alarming, knowing that my friends have their memories intact and I don’t. Disturbing, feeling I let my self down.

I’m writing this down so that in time, when I’ll read this again, I’ll remember the few memories that I have. By then I’d recall:

That back in my freshmen year, 95% of the girls in my class confronted me with their anger. They were angry coz I was bestfriends with one of our classmate who happened to be their crush.

That I wasn’t able to attend to most parties in highschools (birthdays, gimiks) because my mom would stay at the streets of Tibungco with smoke in her nose when im still not home by 6pm.
That for the few parties that I’ve been to, I managed to eat first among all guests because I had to leave by 5pm.

That (according to my friends) during my menstrual period and some blood would eventually manage to get their way into my skirt, I’d cover it with chalk. Imagine that. (That one I’d rather forget).

That at one time, all my classmates laughed at me because I pronounced ‘H’ as ‘etch’ with conviction because that was what my grade 3 english teacher taught me. Kasalanan ko ba yun???
That during my third year prom, I looked like sailor moon but with a curly hair and red lips. And that I couldn’t concentrate on the party knowing that my mom and dad where down at the lobby waiting for me.

That on my fourth year prom, I almost cried because my prom partner arrived seconds before the doors would be locked.

That’s all I remember. For now.

Maybe my brain shrunk.

Learnings from a mountain

Mt. Hamiguitan was no simple mountain to conquer. After four days of endless walking and not taking a bath, these are few of the things i have realized:

1. That I am really stronger than I think. (Thanks to Nilo's nike shirt, it became my motto for the entire duration of the trek.)

2. That you can really survive on corned beef and bulad but you can never survive without eating that much rice.

3. That ill always be thankful for the one who invented the tights and the leg warmers and the arm guards. Without it, i would never had made it in one piece.

4. That when an experienced mountaineer tells you to bring an earthpad or make your pack light, believe him. He is far more experienced than you so he should know better.

5. That when mountain climbing, you really dont have to worry about water that much. A mountain has so many springs with the best tasting water...even if it has tadpoles swimming in it! =)

6. That you can decide not to take a bath for four days and your camp mates will still go to bed with you every night. They will still love you though they really dont really have that much choice.

7. That mountaineers should really really be appreciated. Not many people in this world would give up the comforts of their homes to live in the woods. Imagine how hard that may be for some people, but for them, the reward is in conquering the mountain and conquering one's self.

8. That it helps if you bring a sachet of juice to change the mood of your tongue and it helps to bring a cologne that you can use after the trek.

9. That when you go in to this kind of adventure, you will truly realize what you are made of. You only have yourself to depend on. Take the step, no one else will do that for you.

10. That when you are down and tired, trust in your trekmates that they will never leave you.

11. That mountain climbing is not just a mere sport. In it you can build the foundation of your friendship. In it you harbor camaraderie.

12. That at the end of each day of each trek, you build friendships that last. Why? Because the only you can do is talk. People will begin to realize who you really are without the comforts of everyday life.

13. That i will always be grateful to the friend who brought me along the trek and helped me realize and see for myself the other side of the world and the stuff i am truly made of.

People we call Friends

In life we find people who we laugh with, share stories with, go through life with. People who we can learn to hate yet still find it in our hearts to love. People who connect with our souls. People who may not necessarily have our same views yet still respect our opinions anyway.

People we call friends.

Rare are those who come to your life and be a friend, in its truest form. And when you find them, your heart is nourished like it has never been before.

I am lucky to have friends who i call family. Friends who really treat you as one. Friends who sees your weaknesses and still love you for it. Friends who never get tired of seeing the person you have not been.

Friends who care, no matter the distance.

I can only say thank you, for being there when i need one the most (and even when i dont!). For bringing out the best in me, i can only do so much by passing it forward. =)

Dreaming but Awake

I stay awake, thoughts interrupted my sleep. I close my eyes, with all efforts to doze off, but all seems energized. Even my brain. Not to mention my grumbling stomach. So goes another time for reflection...one of which I rarely do.

Amazing what staying awake can do. I see my self. I see my life. Flashing before me, I cant help but smile.

Life has been great. Not that I didnt have my fair share of heartbreaks and lifebreakers. Too much to mention, to little space to discuss. In a nutshell, life has been filled with smiles and cheers, with much pain and tears. Still amazed why Im still alive..the meds may have allowed my body parts to function the way it should be. Maybe. I look back with awe, amazed on what I have been through, who I have been with, how I have felt and the decisions I made to be where I am right now. Amazing, life could really be indescribable when you take one step backward to look at it. Im excited what the future will bring.

I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next year and the years after that.

I'm happy right now. Not necessarily jumping up and down with so much joy. Just happy. Happiness with much content. Life is hard but who says it is not. I guess the key to having a great disposition in life is knowing how to handle it in your brain.

You teach yourself to be the way you are when things are the way they are.

Tough job, but life is much tougher. My job seems tough and the people I deal with makes it tougher...but I promised myself not to let them be tougher than me. Im decided on that. And they cant taint my picture of life, no matter how difficult they make my life be. Words are just mere uttered sounds. It can't hurt me. True, it'll only make me tougher. (Note to self: I'm not blogging to chant on my job frustrations. Life is great. Life if beautiful. Smile.)

I may not be as religious and as devoted as others may be. But God knows how thankful I am for the life that I am living. I guess when you reach a certain level of thought, contentment follows.

Achieving more than what was expected...climbing mountains and exploring caves when all people doubted my capacity...doing the things I love mostly...making a difference without having to brag about it...helping few strangers here and there...loving like crazy like tomorrow will never come...exploring life and exploring the world an inch at a time...great family, wonderful friends, a rewarding job...I could not ask for more. Well, maybe a much cheaper salbutamol and ventolin inhalers...

What's next for me, that i will yet to discover. I've been able to mark most tick boxes on my life checklist. My "Before-I-Die" Checklist. Get a good paying job: check. Learn to drive a four wheed vehicle: check. Buy my own place: check. Travel alone by plane: check. Stand beside Bo Sanchez: check. Plant a tree and save the world: check. Climb a mountain: check. Learn a sport: check. Try spelunking: check. Learn a new language: check (technically, "aneung haseyo" is a new language). Be promoted within the first five years: double check. Wear micro mini skirt in public: check. See the world with the man I love: half check (we've only done local travels. Saving for you, Disneyland!). Try alcohol and cigarettes: check. Make my momma proud: check. Learn to stand up and fight for one's self: check check check!

Took me twenty six years to have it checked.

More tick boxes to mark. Learn to swim. Watch a movie alone. Enrol in a gym. Eat vegetables. Wear 4" high heels for one day. Get my masters degree. Use my PRC license for what its worth. Teach kindergarden kids. Sing on stage. Make a quilt. Tend my own garden. Cut my boyfriend's goatee. Take my family on a shopping spree. Plan my own wedding. Be a wife and a mom. Outgrow asthma. Grow taller (ehem, I think this one belongs to the Wishlist to Santa). Complete my "Before-I-Die" checklist before I reach 50. (God knows if i'll reach that age!)

With all these joys, I wish I could teach people how to have this kind of happiness. But I know that's impossible...Life ain't made to be taught. It is for one to experience and learn. It ain't generic...what works for me may not really work for all. I ain't happy going to discos, but some people find that fun. Weird...I guess that's just how life is. I hope to remember this moment...my lightbulb moment. Happy and thankful. I wish I'll remember to stay happy and still thankful...even if the 'diablos' in my life take away my mana. (Ok, ok, I admit Im addicted to Diablo)

Moodswings. Maybe tomorrow my body levels will flactuate, estrogen and all...Maybe then i'll blog on how life sucks.